Two Minute Movies: San Andreas


San AndreasFor a special edition of Two Minute Movies, I present San Andreas, as told by the woman in the seat next to me. She was very excitable and quite entertaining. I’ll be honest, I got more into this woman’s reactions than the movie itself, so I’m sure there’s a lot I missed in the movie. Be warned, I’ve included context, which means it is full of spoilers. For time reference, the movie started at 7:30. Enjoy.

7:59 The Rock and his soon to be ex-wife, Emma, are talking. Lady, to the ex: “Beyotch.”

8:04 Reporter: “Who should we call?”
Lady: “Ghostbusters!”

8:08 A bridge collapses. Lady: “Oh my god!!”

8:10 Blake, to Ollie: “Tell Ben I’ll put in a good word for him.”
Lady: “Awww. Cute.”

8:11 A parking garage crumbles in earthquake. The car Daniel and Blake are in falls down a hole that opened up in garage. Lady: *covers ears and winces*

8:12 Daniel leaves Blake alone in the car to get help. Lady: “OH! You ass!”

8:14 City of San Francisco collapses. Lady (excitedly): “Wow! Wow!”

8:14 Emma opens a door on one of the top floors of a skyscraper. There is nothing but the ground several stories below. Lady: “Oh my god! Don’t go that way!”

8:17 A piece of the roof slides as Emma runs across it. Lady: *Gasps and grabs chest*

8:18 The Rock is attempting to rescue Emma from the roof. Lady: “Oooh!” *rubs hands nervously*

8:19 The Rock reels up the helicopter basket, hoping Emma jumped in. “I hope she made it.”

8:20 A building collapses, falling towards the helicopter with the Rock and Emma. Lady: “Ooooooh! Wow! I need more popcorn!”

8:20 My wife has lost our Milk Duds. This is the real disaster. I don’t know if I can make it through the rest of the movie.

8:21 Lady: “Why are these lights on?” – This is the same question I asked an hour ago. When the movie started. I don’t know why they left the house lights on, even at a low level. It’s a bit distracting, but helpful for this endeavor.

8:23 The Rock, to Emma: “We’re going to get our daughter.” Lady: “With no door!”

8:24 Ben opens the trunk of  the car to save Blake. Lady: “Whoa!”

8:25 Someone turned the house lights all the way on. Lady: “What??”

8:28 Emma: “I can’t believe Daniel just took off. What an asshole.” Lady: “Thank you!”

8:31 Lady: “I want to know what that son of a bitch has to say!” Lady’s friend: “Don’t leave my baby!” Lady: “Huh uh!”

8:32 Shot of the Golden Gate bridge. Lady: “I’ve been over there. To that bridge!”

8:32 Daniel pushes a man out of his way while running down the street. Lady: “Better think it over!”

8:33 Daniel gets crushed by a falling piece of a building. Lady: *enthusiastic fist pumping*

8:34 Helicopter engine blows. Lady: *groans like she was punched in the gut*

8:36 People are looting stores at a mall as they leave. Lady, re The Rock: “He stole stuff [clothes], but he had gas on him.”

8:36 Man in the mall parking lot pulls a gun on the Rock. Lady: “Oops!”

8:37 The Rock drives away in a truck he steals, with stolen televisions in the back. One of the TVs falls out of the back. Lady: “Aw darn!”

8:38 I dare to eat some snacks, at the risk of missing something important either in the movie or with the lady next to me.

8:39 I missed nothing during my snacking. Still no sign of the Milk Duds, though. This may be the worst movie experience I’ve ever had.

8:40 A huge hole appears in the road. Lady: “Holy moly! Wow! *gasp* Wow! That’s dangerous!”

8:42 The Rock gives his stolen truck to an old couple stuck on the road. Lady: “Awww.”

8:49 San Francisco freeways are packed as everyone evacuates. Lady: “Look at them!”

8:50 The Rock: “Come with me.” Lady: “Uhhh. Ok.”

8:51 The Rock and Emma parachute to the ground, landing on second base of a baseball field. Lady: “Yeah! I told ya!”

8:52 Tremors. Lady: “OH GOOD GOD!” *literally jumps out of seat*

8:54 Earthquake stops. Lady: *loud gasping sigh* “My heart doesn’t like this.”

8:55 Woman: “How did you know we would be safe?” Lady: “I didn’t!”

8:56 The Rock leaves the baseball field. Lady: “I’m following him. Wow! Look at that!”

8:56 The Rock and Emma get to a pier. Lady: “Oops! No we got us a boat!”

8:58 Blake pulls a piece of glass out of Ben’s leg. Lady: “Oh no! *covers eyes* Good God!”

8:59 The Rock steals a boat. Lady: “He’s so…resourceful.” *groping the air*

9:01 Tidal wave headed for the group of boats leaving San Fran, including the Rock and Emma. Lady: “Gasp!!” *clutches face*

9:01 A boat falls back down the face of the tidal wave. Lady: “AAHH!” *clutches chest*

9:01 Barge falls over the top of the tidal wave, towards the escaping boats. Lady: “Holy moly! OH! MY!”

9:02 The tidal wave takes out the Golden Gate bridge. Lady: “Wowie zowie! Oh. The old couple.”

9:03 Wave takes out a cruise ship. Lady: “Carnival cruise just went down!”

9:04 Blake walks to a window in the building as the tidal wave is approaching. Lady: “Don’t go! Don’t go!”

9:04 The wave doesn’t hit the window where Blake is. Lady: “Whew! I can learn a lot from this movie. Just gotta go to the highest building. That’s where dad is picking her up.”

9:05 Ollie listens to Blake’s directions. Lady: “I love the little boy. Believing everything in her.”

9:07 Blake and Ben kiss. Lady: “Ah, true love. In the middle of it all. They were meant to be.”

9:09 The Rock steers the boat past the building where Blake is. Lady: “Oh my god! *clutches face* Oh!”

9:10 Blake signals the Rock, who then heads towards the building she is in. Lady: “Oh ho ho!!”

9:17 The Rock does CPR on Blake. Lady: “Come on baby!”

9:18 Even after CPR, Blake lies motionless on boat. Lady: “She ain’t dead.”

9:18 Blake wakes up. Lady: “OH GOD!” *wipes tear* *claps*

9:19 Lady, to Paul Giamatti: “The good wife is gonna like you!”

9:24 Lady: “What happened to Daniel? She didn’t even ask about him.”

9:25 Credits roll. Lady: “That was good!” *claps* “I’m gonna go.” With that, the woman disappeared.

Honestly, I’m a little surprised my neighbor survived the movie. I lost count of how many times she grabbed her chest. If you have a weak heart, this may not be the movie for you.

The full review of the movie can be found here.

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